ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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