the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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