OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
