It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
