dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
