If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
