If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
