I'm passing your future prison.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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