She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
