Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
