so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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