I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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