Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
