Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize