I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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