i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i drank out of a bidet.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I deserve this hangover.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
