I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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