we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
