He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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