I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
