and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
