I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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