and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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