Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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