I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
