Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
two words...techno handjob
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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