im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
