Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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