I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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