Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
