He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Less talking, more tequila
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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