alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
