guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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