By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
