"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
