I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
