Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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