dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We left the knife in your bed.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize