Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
