I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
what day is it and did you see me today?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Also, beer. Big fan.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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