you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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