I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We left the knife in your bed.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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