Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He better not be in your backpack
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
