So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
he high fived his dick after we had sex
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
