Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
