Have you finally orgasmed yet?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
