ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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