I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
