Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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