I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
