This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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