All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
