Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
