I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
