Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
