He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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