All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
