I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
