In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize