i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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