Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I could fuck to npr.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize