I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
