A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
